Pedalphilia

I'm not talking about The Woodsman. Although I'm talking about 5yr old and 10yr old boys, this has nothing to do with PEDOphilia.

Joined my first mountain bike hash today.

I've been ghosting the KLMBH group since I bought my Scott Voltage YZ4 two years ago. In the beginning, I had no means of getting myself and my bike to the bash sites. Only bought my trusty Daihatsu Charade last year.

The only off road trail that's within manageable distance from my apartment is the Bt. Kiara trail, near Taman Tun. I've been there twice, just to push my bike up and down some of the trails. It's a very technical trail, and the bulk of it is beyond my abilities. Do wish I can skill up and tackle it soon, before all of it is lost to rampant development. Properties in Bt Kiara are lava-hot.

After buying the car, I told myself that I will start joining a few bashes, especially if it promises to be scenic and non-technical. Somehow, didn't get around to this for an entire year. Thought I'll do something to kick my MTB-ing up a notch this year. Checked the MSN group last night, and whadaya know, there's one today, and a whole bunch of newbies are gonna be showing too!

SET!

So I cleaned my bike. Got rid of the embarassing cob-webs. Wiped the chain and lubed it with fresh oil. And packed my bike off to Rawang. Found the hash spot after only one wrong turn.

104 riders this day. And met the near-legendary Pigpen Pat, who is responsible for the maintenance and creation of the bulk of the trails in Bt Kiara.

There's a long trail, 22km and a short trail, 12km. I signed up for the long one. Pretty ambitious, but no pain, no gain.

Started off at 9.30. A hundred riders following the hares off the road and into the rubber plantation. We had to cross two streams early in the trail, which slowly strung out the riders.

I hung around the back of the group, and followed a couple of guys to look for alternative crossings before doubling back anyway. By then, most of the group are no longer in sight. I followed the trail of paper until I caught up with a small group. A dad with a bunch of boys with him.

By then, the trail has gotten steep. My front derailleur was giving me crap and the chain slipped off the cogs no less than 5 times. I was also running out of breath, and had to get off and push. I found myself barely keeping pace with a bunch of 10year olds!!

It took the better part of half an hour before I left them behind! I'm not THAT out of shape, am I? I kept pushing forward, but never caught up with anyone else. Are even the newbies so far ahead of me already? Come on, there were waify (adjective used to describe Winona Ryder) Malay girls riding cheap and gawd-awful heavy steel LeRun bikes! Those monsters are a nightmare on the steep slopes.

A simple ride? That's freaking false advertising! And all this while, I was still on the shared track for both the short and long routes. The trail hasn't split off to sate the thirst of the sado-masochists yet.

There were a couple of downhills too. The trick is to relax and ride it out, picking you path carefully. Hard braking will just tip your centre of gravity forward, and you'll endo.

It is exhilirating as hell. The adrenaline saturates your brain and you feel like you can almost see the Matrix. My thought process went, Ohshitohshitohshit ohshitohshitohshitohshit ohshitohshit ohshitHowinthegoodLord'ssweetnamedidIsurviveTHAT!!!

I can almost understand now why there's a Kiara trail named, Boner. (This is a double entendre.)

But it gets trickier when the slope gets bumpier. If you hadn't chosen your path properly, or not skilled enough to pick the right path, you'll go don'tgointherutdon'tgointherut don'tgoindon'tgoin... HelloRut! GotothegrassGotothegrass and Wheeeee! and Ow!

The rider behind me saw me do a double headspin triple somersault. His words: "That was incredible!" I'm only sorry that I couldn't have seen it myself. I landed on my back, which was cushioned by my CamelBak filled with 3Litres of fresh water. I walked away from that fall with no more than a pain in my right butt. No scrapes. No bleeding. No broken bones. It's like a rite of passage, and it even felt great.

Lesson learnt: I forgot to raise my butt off the seat. If I had stood up a little, the bike wouldn't have bounced so much and I should have been able to surf down the slope with more control of my speed. When you're bouncing and your wheels air-borne, the brakes don't do shit. There's no traction. Braking in mid-air only locks the wheels, and that spells bad news when you hit the ground again. Either that, or get a full suspension bike. :P

After the fall, my rear derailleur started giving me trouble too. I couldn't shift properly to the low gears, and the rest of the ride became quite a pain. When I bought those SRAM 4 with the shifters, I asked how good is it compared to more expensive ones. The salesguy said that it's not good enough for serious enthusiasts. Seems like he's right...

I kept pushing onwards, and still no sight of the women and children. I didn't want to be last, even if this was my first hash. Although I can still spot the paper trails, I don't relish the idea of being left behind. After pushing up a horrible slope that nobody could ride up, unless he's Mickael Rasmussen... I finally came to the fork in the trail that distinguished the sado-masochists from the common man.

I've finally came 10km, and can either take a further 2km short route out, or another 12km long route. Wisely, I took the sane choice. The last 10km was hard enough for me. I had no intention of seeing the rest of what the hares had planned for us. I caught my breath for a bit and chatted with the hare.

I found out that the boy I had so much difficulty passing, was only 5 years old!!!! I was almost out-done by a kid 17% of my age!!!! I only passed him in the last kilometre!

The remaining 2km was uneventful. Finished the hash with just enough water to spare, and found myself being the first 15 finishers. I'm sure there were more scrubs than this...

Maybe everyone else went the long route? Or maybe the crowd got led down a false trail early on, and that's how I bypassed them. I never caught up with them, cos they were behind me all the while!

Took some well deserved rest, and carbo-ed up with what the ice-cream man was selling. Hung around the finishing area to watch people finish and observe the post hash activities. Some brought portable showers to wash off. One Caucasian dude unabashedly took off his lycra pants in full view of everyone. No towel. No hiding behind a car door or anything. Down came the pants while I was on the phone calling my sister. I had front row seats to his creamy white and blistered cheeks.

Got to admire some of the hardware (double entendre not intended) the riders were packing. Marzochi Bomber front suspension that cost more than my entire bike. A Whyte PRST-4 that costs more than my car (just the bike frame, mind you). Even a LeRun, so at least I'm not the saddest case.

It's a good day. Any day that you can walk away in one piece is a good day.

The damage:

-RM 5.80 for toll, and less than RM10 of gas to get to Rawang.

-RM 10 for joining the hash as a guest. The registration is so that they'll come look for you if you don't make it out.

-Lost the ear-piece of my fave specs after the crash

-One knocked up rear derailleur


-One crack in my bike helmet. That's why "No helmet no ride" is a hard rule at the hash. I made it through the day with no loss of G.C.S. so I guess I got off pretty lucky there.

-One bruise in my right butt. But you don't get a photo of that.