The Talkies

2005 has not been a good year for movies.

Christmas won't ever be the same again without Lord of the Rings to look forward to. Even now, I have yet to watch the extended version of Return of the King. It's a reluctance to see the magic end.

In the nine months of 2005, the only contribution I had made to the film industry (theatres or pirates) was spending rm16 (twice) for Kung Fu Hustle. And that's a late 2004 film.

Some might argue that 2005 also brought us Revenge of the Sith and Batman Begins. Which I did watch, through certain means. But neither made me want to fork out rm8 to watch in the theatres. I ask for so little from movies nowadays, and I get exactly that, very little. Hitting the 'Play' button, I only ask, "Please don't disappoint me."

Not seeing Jar Jar die was a disappointment I think I can live with. The rather Force-d logic ("It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground.") was easily forgiven, since I didn't expect any better of Lucas. OMG! Even the latest episode of Gilmore Girls has Luke Danes yammering about this higher ground BS! Hilarious!

Batman Begins was alright, no more nor less than what I expected.

Then there were movies like Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo. Now this one lived up to and beyond all expectations. I anticipated a piece of shit and was rewarded with a whole cart-load of monkey faeces. It's just the kind of movie I need to fuel my self-righteous vindication of the sad state of movies nowadays.

And movies like Tsui Hark's Seven Swords (七剑)... Shit! Did I walk into that one... I shouldn't have forgotten about Double Team and Black Mask 2: City of Masks before I built up my expectations for his latest movie. In his desperate bid to win over an international audience, he decided to throw in every tired formula in the book! Add two portions of slaughter (ala Braveheart, Gladiator), raiders and farmers (Seven Samurais), seven mystical swords (stories with Excalibur-ianesque weapons are all the rage in HK comics these days), some cannons (a sad attempt to capture the desperation of the Battle of Helm's Deep), conjure two random Korean characters out of no where (he's deluded if he thinks he can get Korean viewers with such a cheap move), and that horse-Lassie scene that could only be inspired by someone whose brain has been addled by tertiary syphilis!

I hope 梁羽生 sold 七剑下天山 for a big fat bundle, cos Tsui Hark really butchered his book. Or maybe he didn't, the only thing he took from the book was the name of the characters and of one sword. Nothing else is anything like the book.


The only movie I'm looking forward to this year, is MirrorMask. Story written by Neil Gaiman, directed by Dave McKean, and produced by The Jim Henson Co. What's not to like about this film??

Written by one of the best story tellers of our time, who's already credited with The Sandman, Stardust, Neverwhere, American Gods, and Anansi Boys (just out these few days). I'm prejudiced; I'll sing praises for anything this man has touched. Except maybe the articles he wrote for certain 'gentlemen's magazines' earlier on in his career, which I doubt I can ever get hold of.

And who doesn't miss Jim Henson? Creator of The Muppets. In the days before multi-million dollars CGI was economically or technically feasible, fantasy movies were a terribly sad genre. Cheesey green screen effects just couldn't create the neccesary willing suspension of disbelief. Amongst the very few that achieved this was Labyrinth.

The one with David Bowie wearing pants so tight you can see what religion he is. The one with the 16 yr old Jennifer Connelly. Took me years to hunt up the DVD for this.


Ah well... For decent movies to watch, you really have to look back.

Heck, even watching The Wizard of Oz, was time better spent than some of the dregs we're getting this year. And here I'm talking about the Judy Garland in Technicolor affair. Ruby slippers. Munchkins. "Ding dong the witch is dead." The TinMan of the purple eye shadows. The weird googly eyes the Lion makes. The corny rhymes. The funny dances. Midget ballerinas in pink tutus. And a story of 3 misfits who start off feeling ashamed about themselves (complete with their own musical numbers), and later discovering that everything they needed was inside them all along. Talk about a coming out of the closet gay movie!!


Also watched Before Sunrise [1995] and Before Sunset [2004] recently. A somewhat interesting romance story that's quite different from the average Hollywood idea of love (ie. love can blossom even without a speeding bus to bring the characters together). Sunrise was about Ethan Hawke walking around Vienna with a Frech girl, talking about everything and anything. A simple story about two highly believeable characters forming a bond. Sunset is what happens years later, same characters, same cast.

A common story, with a common theme, but an uncommon delivery. It's mundane, it's undramatic. But that just makes the characters easier to identify with real life. Sunset gives you back the same characters, and assuming that you already know them, it lets you judge them by their actions in the intervening years.

Interesting movies when you watch them together.


But personally, Chasing Amy still tops them. This is still by far the most entertaining, and the most interesting romance movie I've ever seen. I secretly believe that one criteria with which I can spot my soul-mate, is that she will be someone who's able to appreciate and take delight in this movie as much as I have.

Back to the movie...

Chasing Amy is the third installment of Kevin Smith's New Jersey Chronicles. Kevin went to film school for a bit, then used his credit card to produce Clerks. Movie was in B&W cos that's the film he could afford. It won such acclaim that he got the money to go on to produce Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back, and Jersey Girl. Every one except the first had Ben Affleck in it. One even had Mark Hamil (the "white craker farm-boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy- blonde hair, blue eyes").

In Amy, Affleck went kinda stupid in the end, but the journey there was a lot of fun. Like Sunrise/Sunset, there's also about a bunch of characters who talk very openly about 'love' and various other pop minutiae... Be prepared for a bit of surprise though, the dialogue makes Sunrise/Sunset sound as tame as an Archie comic. But you know guys, we tend to be fascinated by disgusting things.

And I'm the kind of person who once went, "Oooo!! I get to hack this cadaver's chest open with a hack-saw! Wicked cool, dude!!"


Gee... was there a point to all this rant? Not particularly. As promised, what you're getting here is a rant from a diseased mind.

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