Meteor crashes into a Kansas field. Kal-El is back from a 5yr road-trip to Krypton. Apparently Einstein is wrong about the Twin's Paradox, because Kal-El seemed pretty exhausted from his trip. Since he was travelling FTL, virtually no time should have passed while he was accelerating...
Off topic... Anyways, Clark Kent goes back to the Daily Planet. Lois Lane is in a relationship and has a son. Lois gets into trouble in a spectacular way. Superman saves her in similar spectacular fashion. Supe takes Lois flying. Fortress of Solitude. Lex Luthor steals Kryptonite, and uses it to kill Supe. Lex's floozy feels compassion for Supe and helps him. Supe saves the day.
Did I miss out anything from the first Superman movie?? Other than Lois' little bastard, Superman Returns is almost exactly the same thing as the one before Christopher Reeves discovered charity.
Oh, and apparently, Lois' little bastard belongs to Kal-El.
How the freak did that happen?! Clark had a Kansas upbringing, and his adopted parents brought him up so straight that he doesn't even spank his monkey! (If he did, there would be tell-tale 'bullet-holes' all through the Kent residence.) But suddenly he has a love-child??
Better minds than mine have contemplated the quandary.
In the words of Kevin Smith in Mallrats,
"Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child? He's an alien for Christ sake! His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom . . . that would kill them."
But the most comprehensive analysis was Larry Niven's "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex." Niven is famed for his Ringworld sci-fi series, with the two headed E.T. Llama. Read a couple of his books. Not bad. And any writer who can string together a sentence with, "obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape," will surely have my respect.
Moving beyond Superman's physiology... His psychiatry also makes for interesting study, in Dr. Blink: Superhero Shrink, by John Kovalic and Christopher Jones.
That's the greatest thing about Superman. Although the comics are pretty boring, but he is more identifiable than [insert name of any religious figure], and has been an inspiration for many good things in contemporary culture. Such as Three Doors Down's Kryptonite, or the name for Nicholas Cage's son, and a lot of Seinfeld wit.
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed... I’m sure he’s got super humor.
George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
George: I don't know but he ain't funny.
This has been just a lot of pointless ranting about Superman. Well, it's been fun. But maybe I can also give my two cents about the Superman comics I've read...
I've not read that much Superman comics. Find it terribly dull. I've read the comics telling his death in the hands of Doomsday. And that's pretty much it. Superman is pretty much a one dimensional character. He's a boy scout that solves problems with his incredible brawn, and everyone loves him for it. He has no problems. Everything looks like a nail to him, that he hammers into submission.
Most of the time I see Supe, it's in a Batman comic. The stick-up-the-butt do-gooder setting off the perfect contrast to the world's greatest detective, who doesn't hesitate to use any violoent means, short of killing, in order to solve his case. And the stories where the two clashes, are some of the most worth reading. Especially Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns.
And one other Superman comic I've enjoyed, is Kingdom Come. This has one of the best drawn art ever achieved in this medium. And the story is solid. Lois Lane is dead. Superman is retired. Batman is old. And at the end, Wonder Woman is pregnant with Kal-El's seed, thus proving Kevin Smith's earlier point....Look for a browsing copy at your local Borders, if you get the chance.
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